Welcome!

My comfy chair is gone. I have nowhere to read it seems, and so I pace, like a caged animal. A beautiful day and I’m in and out, and when I’m in I can’t settle. Maybe it’s the boxes all the boxes. And bags and shelves–empty and full. If I had TV I would climb into bed and watch. Just to let some time pass. To turn off my mind. To take a break. Instead I make another cup of tea, check my email, pace some more.

Laylah called. She’s in Australia again. It’s tomorrow there, tomorrow morning. That’s about as futuristic as it gets.

In just a couple of weeks I’m moving West of the Hudson. My own personal Rubicon as it were. I’ve lived east of the Hudson plenty (tho never in the East)–different states (mostly Massachusetts) and countries (mostly England), but the America beyond the River is something I’ve only visited–passed through as an observer.

People came, but they didn’t take enough away. There are still piles and piles of stuff. Clothing. Plates. Books. Mirrors. Music. Bags. Shoes. Hangers. I dragged out 3 big boxes of kitchen stuff this AM. Just put it out on the street. Good stuff. It’s going. Clothing will have to be driven to Sally Army.

It’s sad, to leave this place. I’ve lived mostly here since I got clean. It’s too small, but it’s my home. It’s been through so many changes. I finally gave up. There was a moment when I was painting the bathroom, and I didn’t like the color, and I couldn’t reach the corner, and I just stopped. No more painting. No more improvements. That unpaintedness was a sign to myself–move on.

I’m glad a friend is going to live here. It’s a good place. She’ll be able to work and live, and then move on as well.

In just a couple of weeks my possessions are going to be limited to a 4′x4′ room and that which will fit in a car. I’ll probably be sleeping on an air mattress. I wonder when I’ll feel at home enough to buy a bed. I wonder where that home will be.

I’ve reached another level in clutter clearing. I’m no longer asking what I want to keep–what is beautiful, what is useful, rather, I’m asking what can I live without? I’m facing the unknown, perhaps more than ever in my life. I have no idea what my life is going to look like in 2 weeks.

I’m stressed out. I’m petrified.

This period of rocky transition has shown me the depth of the love in my life. If home is where when you go there they take you in, I’m blessed with a myriad of potential homes.

Of course what I want more than anything is my own home. A home to share, in which to love and be loved. A place to grow and to be. It seems so far away, the impossible dream.

I read somewhere the idea that god will break your heart–over and over–until you let it stay open.

Where is home? When will I be home?

Apparently today is a really good day to make resolutions–lists and planning for the future and that kind of thing. Here’s the details. I’m resolving lots of things. I read a book called Write it Down, Make it Happen (which was rather rad) and am making lists. From the vague and general (have adventures!) to the rather more specific (practice Spanish). I’m thinking big, acting my way out of lethargy and inertia. I’ve had dreams about bounding lately–a kind of combination of jumping and flying. Yum.

I didn’t think it would look or feel like this. Things are all up in the air and discombobulated (and I still can’t spell). I feel a little more grounded in myself. Just a little. And I think I have a healthier relationship to change. I think.

I saw a Caddy pick up truck today. One of those Escalade ones. I’m not sure if it offends me more than the Hummer (which at least originally was built for a purpose that purported to call for such a hulking monstrosity), but i think it might. There is a certain beauty in the horror of it. All Gleaming White and Big Grilled. Uselessness. The beauty of those old American finned cars with their lush colors and cruisiness. But there’s just no excuse. There’s different beauty today. Or should be. Especially today. And especially in New York City. I feel like a crotchety old woman alot these days. Wanting people to have better civic manners and what not.