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CPCS: Spider Bites

I’m not sure I feel any closer to nature here (whatever that means), but I am much more aware of the natural world. The butterflies on the freeway. The spiders in my bedroom. My favorite is navigating by mountain. The hills are to the north. They really are. So if you face the hills, you are driving north. Really.

I went to a meeting in the valley tonight. Too much bad LA hair and aftershave smell. But the speakers were great. It’s a speaker meeting, so maybe that’s its thing. They actually sell CDs of the speakers.

I also went to a meeting of the Church of Craft. Took me a while to find it–turns out there are two “Figueroa and 43rds". So I went on the freeway for the first time (other than journeys up the coast). It was small, but it was good to be there, another oasis of continuity and connection.

I’m going to go to sleep now, and assume the spider means me no harm.

The best part of this birthday (and perhaps, in retrospect, most birthdays of mine) has been the singing of happy birthday coming down the telephone wire. Since my lovelies are all so far away, I got to hear the tune again and again. Being sung to is the best–thank you songsters!

Also really good was getting scrubbed. And saunaing.

Getting lost, really really lost, was not a good thing–thank you Ilona and Google maps for helping guide this girl home.

Home is where I am. At least for the next four weeks. Then who knows? I have my romantic dreams, but life is often less romantic than my dreams.

I didn’t get to a meeting, but otherwise the uneventful day went as planned. I volunteered in the AM, then went low-brow spaing, then drove around. That’s what I’m going to call getting lost from now on–Driving Around.

The palm trees in the forefront of the cityskyskape was rather beautiful.

I’m actually quite enjoying unpacking. I think because it makes me feel as though I have a home. After swimming at IGR’s mother’s, I spent the day on the road. Got lost only once. I’m back in Los Angeles. Managed to find my way back to the house without leaving a map. The whole time I lived in Paris I never left home without a map, I wonder if LA would/will be any different. I have a splitting headache. Too much grief. Too much loss. Too much crying on I5.

There is a note of self pity and bitterness that has crept into my voice. It must go. I am sad, very very sad. But I can’t live as a bitter person. And I want love and care, not pity.

It seems as though there is no dramatic romantic event happening this weekend. I must figure out what to do on my own that won’t kill me.

I’ve never been one for not reading emails, but when I started this journey I didn’t have much online time, and I didn’t read emails because I knew I wouldn’t be able to properly respond and I didn’t want to lose track. But now I’m behind. It’s like there are tracks of my life that are 8 weeks behind. I’m out of sync. I’m at loose ends. I so want to belong to something, to be integral. I feed that need by being of service, but it’s a bandaid really. Helping other people with their lives makes me feel better, but it’s not really enough.

Today we worked on IGR’s office–there are boxes and boxes of scraps of paper and bits of things and important and non-important stuff all mixed together. From years and years. I’ve gotten it down to a row of boxes–the idea is that nothing will come out until it goes to its proper place. I suspect that for most of it, the proper place is the garbage, but it’s not my stuff.

On the upside, last night Ilona gave me a huge pile of the greatest clothing. The kind of things that AB would love for me to be wearing, classic lines, etc. I’m totally grateful. I had just mentioned that I needed some kind of wrap for when the evenings got cool, and she gave me a beautiful lavendar pashmina, and then just went at her closet tossing things my way. I love giving, but I also do love to receive.

I had a difficult, up and down day today. I’m up in Napa helping out Ilona and Tenzin. Ilona’s sick–not sure with what yet, but she walks like a little old lady–kind of bent over to the side. Tenzin is understandably freaked out. We had a good birthday yesterday–it all ended in tears, but that seems about par for the course with the bdays at that age–the sugar overload and crash didn’t help any.

Today we dropped Tenzin at a friend’s, and tried to get some things done. Tenzin’s room has been a disaster. The house is quite large, even by California standards, 3 bedrooms, but chaotic. Ilona leans towards the precious and the cute–everything is in little baskets and on little shelves, and arranged in lovely displays, which is all good except no one can find anything, and nothing ever gets put away and there are a million cute little baskets everywhere and it just feels like a big mess. And Tenzin never wants to sleep in his room.

I wanted to give Tenzin the gift of a space that was really his–a space where he could find his things, where he could put them back easily, where he could find his way to the bathroom without tripping. Ilona makes every day special for him, she’s a great mother, but sometimes it seems like it’s more work than it needs to be, that he can’t do for himself, and that he doesn’t get to be the 5 year old boy that he is.

Of course I’m aware that my impulses are suspect. I want more than anything to be making a home and family. I’m a broody nester.

I want to be doing what I am doing for Tenzin for a child of my own. And I want to be taken care of the way that I take care of others. I get frustrated with Ilona when she doesn’t ask for help, (and of course I have the same difficulty, so it totally works my nerves). I can’t do everything, so I need to know what I should be doing. Otherwise I just do and do and then find out that what I’ve been doing is just not worth doing. I’m not much good at comforting, I’m better at making sure there’s food and tea.

So anyway, we got a bunch of functional baskets–straight sides, that fit on the shelves, and that helped. But I couldn’t put up the hooks or the curtain tie backs because Ilona doesn’t have any real tools. I, of course, have plenty of tools (or rather had), because I have always done for myself. And for a while I would always be doing some sort of “home” improvement–until I realized that the main problem was that I was living in a studio in Brooklyn, and I stopped, literally in the middle of painting the bathroom. Alison tells me that she had it painted all white, which was probably smart.

I got really irritated at the lack of tools. It made me feel useless. And then again, jealous, because it might be nice not to need tools, to be able to have others do for me. I can drill, but it’s not really my strong point.

The state of the fridge was also making me crazy. I made stew last night, and couldn’t put away the leftovers, so this AM I started organizing the fridge. Throwing out yuckies, combining things that needed combining, removing non-fridge needing things from the fridge. Cleared out space. And after I put in the stewpot, I made some muffins. Magic muffins. Named such after the Magic Soup that I used to make with Lys and Dan–we would just add things that seemed good, cooking and adjusting and usually it came out magically good. Usually.

The muffins came out great. Two batches–sweet and savory. I had to look in a cookbook to find out the proportion of floury stuff to baking soda and liquid, but otherwise it was completely based on what seemed good and what needed to be used up in the fridge. Grape jelly. Almond slivers. Dates. Flax powder. Quinoa flour. Applesauce. Etc. So good. The savory ones were even better I think, with fresh corn and grated cheese. Plus a dash of hot sauce. And no grape jelly. I haven’t done anything like that in years. I’m a good hippie cook.

So the reward of the day was that after I spend a couple of hours arranging and sweeping Tenzin came home, took one look and announced that he had to sleep there tonight. He’s having his story right now, and if all goes well he’ll sleep through the night in his very own bed. I’ve been making up a series of stories about a little boy and his dog, and if he wakes up in his own bed I’ve promised him another edition. I’m thinking about a spirit journey chapter. Since it was his birthday and all.

I’ve also been thinking about how grown up I was at his age. Probably way too grown up. I could read already, and if there was story time I was doing the reading out loud. And I did my own laundry–following the picture of how the dials should be.

The balance between childhood and independence is tricky.

And then, of course, I’m always aware of my impending birthday. I think I might have to do some sort of spirit journey of my own. Hot springs? I had hoped for some huge romantic gesture but it looks like I’m drawing a blank. My birthdays of late have been so arid, maybe it won’t be bad just to be on my own. Except that it is the very last thing that I want to be.

I’m back up here in Napa. Ilona’s sick and it’s Tenzin’s birthday (5!), so I couldn’t really do anything else. Today was all about laundry and dishes. Another 2 loads tomorrow and it should be done. Tenzin keeps talking about his rainforest birthday, so I hope he won’t be too disappointed when it is more of a lunch by the pool at grandma’s kind of event. For me, that particular pool is my favorite–the solar heater works overtime, and keeps it at a constant 96 degrees. Yum. I do like the water warm.

I’m more than a little freaked out about my own upcoming birthday, however, and being surrounded by young, beautiful mothers doesn’t do much for my sinking sense of having missed the boat on that part of my life.

I screwed up my unemployment claim and have to start all over. Which means that I miss out on about $2000. I don’t need it today, but it might well come in handy someday. And it would have made buying a new laptop a little less ouchy. This one is still limping on, however, so nothing urgent. I get a little anxious though.

I might be doing north for a few days. Ilona’s got some sort of kidney problem and needs some help.

Then comes my birthday. Not at all sure what to do. Vegas?

I don’t mind doing laundry, in fact, I kind of enjoy it. What I hate is dragging stuff to the laundrette. It is such a pleasure to walk out to the back of the garden and throw stuff in. It’s the small things that make all the difference.

I went out looking for a meeting tonight. Before I left home I checked in this really big mapbook I have, and knew vaguely where to go. But it turns out that it was off my car map, and so I spent 2 hours looking, with no finding to be had. Luckily there was lots of looking around to be had, so I did that. And bought a basil plant.

I hurt my neck last night–just a little muscle I think, but it’s making me totally stiff and so tomorrow I’m going to get needled–I hope. There are a few acupuncture schools around, so hopefully I can get a clinic appt. tomorrow.

I’ve unpacked. So little and yet too much. What doesn’t get worn this summer goes.

I can hear the horn of the trains as they pass by. The street is very quiet, and we’re across from the resevoir (sp?!), which is also very calm. There is wildlife tho–lots and lots of it. Skunk, coyote, badger, etc. It’s a very different kind of urban. Everything is very transparent–you can smell the collision between the wild flowers and burning oil. You can see pollution. The landmarks of the city are natural–Sunset Blvd leads to the sunset (and away from it), to find north just look for the hills, and conceptual–one can stand on the corner of Hollywood and Vine–tho what you find there is not really what you might expect. In the car I listen to the radio–local NPR and community stuff mostly. And I look around. I don’t know yet for sure that I can’t afford a real house here, and so I am not crushed by my dreams.

I spent a good part of today being my very own geek. Set up the airport and voip, so that now I can at least call out from home, and check for messages (awkwardly), so that I am not completely cut off. Also I have my own computer back, so I can finally pay bills and the like. Phew.

Also went to a good AM meeting. I’ve committed myself to one a day, getting a sponsor, actually working the program. Trying to reap some benefits of all this hard work. Seems like I’ve been working and working and just going absolutely nowhere.

Also now I have to deal with the worky work situation. How am I going to get work? Now that I’m all connected, I’m going to try Craigslist, we’ll see how it goes.

I’m lonely, but the sun, it does shine.

The beautiful BC campsite had internet. Silverlake, however, does not have reliable TMobile service. So until I’ve sorted out a new cellphone or some sort of other voip delio, I’m rather incommunado, tho this time not so much by choice.

I drove down from Napa yesterday, and hit zero traffic. All around was yellow, except for patches of farmland. It was so easy to see the shape of the land, the way the water ran. Hot.

Now here in LA. Terrifying.