Welcome!

So many dreams last night. Dreams of small shards of glass–trying to pick them up, trying to find them, trying to get them off my skin without being cut. Then an interview in the maze of the New Yorker offices. Which was also a publishing house. After the interview instead of leaving I fell asleep in a little nest. Woke up at 1AM. There were still people there, many of whom looked like they never left. There were so many books. Then I was walking in a strangely unfamiliar New York, talking to the husband of a friend on the phone. He was chewing me out for being dismissive of her mental health issues, arguing that my belief that she had the capacity to get thru the feelings that she was having had actually been enormously damaging. I had had no idea and was devastated. Then, while talking on celll phones to each other, we actually ran into each other (via his wife, who realized we were in the same place) and he was all smiles. I had that sense that even when I think everything is going all right, that I’m being a good friend and etc. that really it is all falling apart behind the scenes. The dream was a confirmation of that sneaking suspicion.

Sometimes I see the moon and I’m flabbergasted. Last night it was hanging low in the sky, big and yellow, with gauzy mist all around it. Just hanging there. When I see something like that I just want to stop time, to make it be like that *always*. I pop in and out of the now. I want to be fully present, but I also want the present to stay, changelessly. So I guess I’m halfway there. Or maybe not. Who knows. The best I can do is make a phone call and hope that someone else sees the same moon.

My lower back struck again. I’m not sure how or why, but it was aching for a few weeks, and then all of a sudden it was just bad. Sent me into a tailspin of anxiety. If my back is fucked, it’s basically impossible to do clutter clearing. And working in an office would be physically as well as mentally and psychically torture. I went to a meeting and shared, and spoke to a couple of ladies afterwords and it helped. They were practical as well as reassuring. Told me about alternating ice and heat, and etc. Things I hadn’t done. So I’ve spent the day doing that, and I feel better. Which is good, because I have a potentially big job starting tomorrow. Which is good, because while the jobs are starting to trickle in, the money is running out, and I need to get on top of things like insurance.

It’s still all good, and I still feel better than I’ve felt in a very very long time. It’s just that when something like this happens, I’m reminded of how vulnerable I am.

The new year is here. And I welcome it. 2005 was huge, but also very very difficult, and I am feeling much better about 2006. So far it’s raining, but not on my parade. I’m settled in Los Angeles (so far so good) and loving life on the left side. It’s drama free (even inside my head) which is the biggest relief. I miss my friends, but life is large and the world is as small as it needs to be. Visit–I’ve got an aerobed.