Welcome!

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a day is eventful or not. Makes me think about what that means anyway. It rained today, which was a big deal. It hasn’t rained yet this winter, which is not only unusual, but apparently a big problem. When it doesn’t rain, the fires come, more than usual. So it matters. I didn’t know it was going to rain, it just started. I was in my car, having just picked up some lunch after finishing my first job interview in a few years.

The interview went fine. It was obvious that I wasn’t right for the position, I had been surprised that I was even asked in for an interview, but it turns out there are other positions coming along, and I might be right for one of them. We’ll see.

So it started raining. And I decided to go see a show that’s closing tomorrow. Got on the highway. And was there for a few hours. Listening to the radio, making lists in my head. Watching the rain.

I talked to CB. I hadn’t spoken with her since her magical wedding this fall. Turns out being married is the Best Thing Ever. Everyone told her that nothing would change, but it turns out that everything changed. They started changing when they got engaged–the hesitation and holding back let up, and when they got married it all faded away. All that energy was freed up. Wow. I know it’s not like that in every case, but at that wedding it was clear that something was happening. It was magical. It wasn’t magical in the sense of Bride magazine, but I think everyone there felt that something big was being made, that we were all part of it as well as witnesses to it. And now, months later, it’s totally true. Sometimes those performative acts make all the difference.

I felt melancholy today. The combination of the interview and the rain. I drove with a feeling of sadness and loss. Sometimes I’m aware of all the future holds, and sometimes I get dragged back into nostalgia, wallowing in a sense of what could have been, what should have been. Not a good place to be. Maybe the traffic brought it on, a feeling of going somewhere, but slowly, and meanwhile being in a steel box, surrounded by other steel boxes. A stream of steel.

This is a message to the universe: I could use a little direction here. I know that my back-achiness indicates a lack of faith, but it cuts both ways. My resources are running low, and I’m not at all sure about the direction I’m supposed to take. Apply to more jobby-jobs? Take lower-paid work as an organizer? Do the substitute teaching thing? Choice D? All of the above? None of the above? A Really Clear Sign would be a Very Good Thing.

Thanks,

Love,

Kirsten.

I just deleted over 700 spammy comments. How did they find me? I don’t even think my friends read this. Not that I write much. Today I saw an old woman at the Y whose bra was twisted and mis-closed. I hesitated, deciding whether to tell her, offer to help, or just let it be. I decided to let it be. I had done the same thing myself a few days ago, and it was uncomfortable, but perhaps less so than a stranger telling me that I had fucked up something I had been doing for 60 years or more. She seemed so fragile. And yet she was at the gym. There are so many older ladies at the gym. Older ladies and families, which makes going an entirely different experience. Eugenie says she feels good about belonging even if she never goes because her money is going to after school programs and the like. I feel the same, though I prefer going. I hurt my back over the Xmas holiday, and got out of my routine. And I’m feeling it. A little core weakness is not a good thing. I’ve started going back. The “gravity” classes are good. Those exercises feel like they can strengthen without risking further injury. Walking feels good. Sitting does not. Which is not good, because if the clutter thing doesn’t pick up soon I might have to do some office work. Next week I’m taking the test to be a substitute teacher. Just trying to tell the universe that I am willing. The thing about the clutter clearing is that while there seems to be a market, it seems to be a market that is not willing to pay what I need to live. Which is not much. We’ll see. I’m working on faith.